Little thoughts
pretty worn out emotions
Sat here in my bed – actually laying in my bed, I can so easily retreat through my thoughts from throughout the day. Not only that, but I can write them down in the same position. We go through phases in our lives, when we think we need much more time in order to sit down after a long day, and automatically fulfil the urge to spring down a few sentences. But our enoughness of them thoughts in our head, has already fulfilled this aspiration of the moment. Sometimes, resting is our only reason as to why we stop ourselves from expressing our troubles to page.
The beauty here, is that eventually, our body is either rested enough or fed up of our minds being neglected, to pick the pen back up, or take the laptop out. For me, the most relaxing way for me to express how I feel, is when I type, I have some control over the body displayed on the screen. When I make a mistake, I can undo it. When I want certain words to encapsulate the key feelings they should provoke, I can underline their strength. All while keeping control, over the mistakes.
I then become sick of fluidity, repeatability and most of all, too much structure.
When we write, we tell ourselves to show the story, to show the true feelings within our words. So, when I see the carefree, vulnerable handwriting in my notebook, of the times I’ve journaled in a hard back full of pure worn down emotions, it warms my heart a little bit. Reading word by word as it appears on the page, as not everything is in line. Observing when I decided to scribble, to underline a word with my own assertiveness, it feels rewarding.
Sometimes, writing is not relaxing. When you can’t put your pen down because you’re writing too fast to make sure you don’t miss a single thought – it becomes sore. Certain words don’t look perfect, but neither were you when you wrote them.
I feel a certain type of way about writing. It’s made me realise that through the different stanzas and the contrasting themes, you’re always learning about yourself every time you write. How much you care, how little you may receive. But most importantly, to holding yourself accountable. Your thoughts can be your biggest enemy, but confronting these feelings and understanding why we feel the way we do, makes us know our worth.
Aha ! What I enjoy most about writing, is understanding my worth. That’s it, that’s the end.
too many, too late
What are you most worried about for the future?
My head has become rinsed on the uncertainty of tomorrow, the next day, and of course, what comes after that. My sleep is bothered so much by demons that have no right in taking up so much space.
I have, as of now, life to look forward to. Brilliant, isn’t it? No set plan, just moving in a front facing direction. But why do I keep looking for a lead to the way?
I’m not trusting my own journey, only constantly questioning my ability of getting there. Then, I keep reminding myself, it will come.
It’s easy to forget my reminders on how life pans out, regardless of how strong my mindset at times is. But, dare I remind, this is going to continue.
Everyday, I will find my head fluctuating through these motions of notions and what not to fixate on. My being of self sabotage and self destruct constantly coming my way is just what my life is. I think too much.
I think too much to the point I don’t think I have any interesting thoughts to share, only pure chaos wearing in my brain.
I forget to put my thoughts to efficient use, another reminder for my daily schedule the night before. Only when I wake up in the morning, I forget again. Rewind and repeat.
All this time thinking and not enough doing. I am my own worst enemy, and if I keep getting in my own way, I’ll forever be stuck on doubting my worth and my abilities.
I worry that I’ll think too much about my future, so find me less thoughts and the return in energy to live it.
Thank you for your response. ✨
sleepy emma 